There is only around 5 weeks left until my due date and I am slowly hitting the bipolar state of pregnancy. The moment when I really want to hold my baby, kiss the lovely cheeks, have my finger grabbed by tiny hand, and of course see my husband holding the baby, because I imagine it will just melt me forever. But on the other side I begin to read more and more about labor and delivery, which can be scary as f*ck. Feel me yet?
So firstly, I may be in the biggest pain of my life in any of the upcoming weeks, because no one really knows when the labor will start. It can be anytime from now until 42 weeks of pregnancy, so that is 7 weeks. And I never know when it’s gonna hit me. Or how. Will my water break and make the bed filthy? (I should protect the mattress somehow, along with the sofa, where I spend most of the time lately). Or I will just get hit by striking pain starting from my back, or the top of my belly. I have no idea what to expect, how painful would it be, how long would it take, what would happen then… So I read and inform myself a little. A lot. So There is this episiotomy that could happen either naturally or simply by cutting me down there… There is all different complications that may happen to me or to my baby. C-section cannot be excluded from all the concerns. Also what if epidural doesn’t work, I have heard stories about that. And there is lot around the topic of labor and delivery that storms through my head, but there are also other things.
Secondly… Postpartum sounds like a horror. Really. Healing of the vagina and the wounds around it. Bleeding for 6 weeks straight, like having the longest period ever. Painful peeing or the other stuff that happens in the toilet. Pain of uterus going back to its original size. And you cannot rest then during this painful recovery. Because you’re never getting even close to enough sleep, walking from room to room, dealing with crying baby not even knowing why the crying appeared in the first place, changing poop, worrying if you’re a slightly good mother, the baby having belly pain or any other scary thing. And there is also the Molotov cocktail of hormones that messes up the mood very much, and lots of woman walk sad and deprived from all positiveness like zombies. And the positivity and good mood are highly expected from new moms, no matter how crappy and far from happiness they feel. They look like zombies as well, because of the lack of sleep mentioned before. Combination of horror movies all put together. Sounds like fun.
Another thing… Breastfeeding. I wanna do this. I know it’s important and some say it’s magical and extremely bonding with the baby. I hope my boobies are perfect for my baby and that his mouth and throat is fully developed to suck strong and be filled with mommy’s milk. I am mentally preparing myself for all kinds of possible complications, breast pains, nipples inverting and I don’t know what else, but it’s bothering me these days. A bit.
And there is also the fear of being a bad mother. Not having enough patience for all the crying, not sleeping and shitting. And the thought of having baby blues and not really loving my baby from the very beginning just paralyzes me. I really want to love my baby from the first sight! I mean I love my baby already, but I know that hormones are little bitches and can mess this up for me. There is also this thought of bringing a child into this terrible worlds full of pain and terrible events and terrorism, ecological disasters and emotional breakdowns… Like… Isn’t it selfish to have a child? Baby is so happy and oblivious in my womb, but starting from the birth it will be out here, with all of us, in the cold cruel world. Oh poor baby, didn’t do anything to deserve it.All because we, the parents, decided we want to have a baby, for our amusement.
Yeah, so it seems like I am a little freaking out. I haven’t even mentioned all of the worries, so no one would think I am crazy. It’s not even possible to all those things to go wrong with me, right? It’s impossible. I may have few of those bad scenarios going on but not all of them… Right? RIGHT?!
I can’t wait so see my baby and hold my baby in my arms anyway 🙂