Do you know how it feels?
It’s like being hit by a hammer straight in the head. And every other part of the body as well.
It’s painful. Everything hurts. Being hurts. There is never enough time, never enough sleep, never enough rest.
Eyes hurt… from keeping them open and trying to focus in half dark room to clean that little bottom thoroughly while changing a diaper.
Arms hurt… from holding the baby half the night and rocking slowly back to sleep. Sometimes for hours..
Back hurts… From sitting for a long tine in the same position while breastfeeding, or just holding the baby in the arms.
And then there’s headache, pain in the belly, legs also hurt.
And sometimes as irony to it all you can’t even fall asleep when you have the chance. The baby sleeps calmly in the bassinet and you just turn from side to side. Completely exhausted and yet not able to sleep.
And then the day is not showing any mercy either. Because when they say “Sleep when your baby sleeps” is sounds so simple, but it feels like being slammed in the face. When the baby sleeps you need to do so much! Like… prepare some food for the toddler that’s always having a cold and never being in kindergarten… And for yourself. And eat, so that you have strength to keep going. Or make laundry so that you have clothes to put on you, so that your baby have a clean place to barf on. And of course for the rest of your family members.
If you can do that consider yourself lucky. Other days your baby sleeps only attached to you and when you lay her down the screaming starts so there is only 2 minutes left for you to rush to the toilet.
Some days you get your breakfast at 11 am. Being on your feet from 6 am…
Being sleep deprived means not being in the best mood. Means emotional exhaustion. And trying not to show it too much, but… Being sad and letting gloomy thoughts in. Oh those thoughts are a real pain in the ass. Thoughts that make you question every thing you did in your life that made you reach this point.
And the feeling like you can’t make it any further. And the silent urge to run outside, leave everything behind and just run away.
Being sleep deprived is like being surrounded by dark endless night (with lack of possibility to sleep of course). Terrifying night. With few stars shining somewhere among the darkness. The shiny happy little moments that happen during the day.
Tiny happy moments that keep you sane.
Happy moments… like when your toddler plays in relative silence, and enjoys the cartoons laughing and following dialogs that he memorized, or asks you with excitement to look at what he just did. Or comes for a hug. Right after you weren’t in your best motherly shape.
Happy moments… like when your baby is cooing and babbling and smiling seeing your face.
Happy moments… like when your husband holds you tight in bed so you can fall asleep feeling surrounded by love. Even if only for few minutes, the bliss of being on the receiving end…
Right before you are woken up again…
But hey, few more months, or years, and you will get your sleep back. Here’s to positive thinking! Cheers! The silver lining…
I hope that the worst is behind me momentarily. Waking 2-3 times for diaper change and feeding is not bad. However there is this myth of 4th month sleep regression… God help us all.